


When You're Close to Me

by seke



Category: Gintama
Genre: M/M, One-Sided Sakata Gintoki/Takasugi Shinsuke, Past Kawakami Bansai/Takasugi Shinsuke, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 06:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11663376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seke/pseuds/seke
Summary: Takasugi didn't have feelings for Tatsuma. Not like the feelings he once had for Gintoki and then for Bansai, at least. But just because his feelings weren't romantic, it didn't mean they couldn't be deep.





	When You're Close to Me

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Tatsuma wasn't the man he loved. He was not, and he would never be.

He loved Gintoki, even if he would never admit it, even if he couldn't push himself to confess how fast his heart beat for him, how he imagined them kissing after a violent fight, both covered in bruises and scratches and Takasugi biting Gintoki because he thought that wasn't enough, he wanted to hurt him more and he wanted to be more hurt by him. How he imagined the day after, with him caressing Gintoki’s stupid shag hair and kissing his stupid mouth once more, that time while he slept, because Takasugi wouldn't let him find out he had a soft side, let alone that that soft side was all for him.

He loved Gintoki enough to know that it was impossible for them to be together outside his fantasies. Because opposites attract, was what everyone always told him. And he and Gintoki were not opposites, but painfully similar in the way they thought and acted, in their strengths and in their weaknesses. They were equals that could only only repel each other.

He loved Bansai, and he loved him so much he avoided admitting it, because saying he _loved_ Bansai, in the past tense, would be the same as admitting Bansai was gone, his _feelings_ were gone and he couldn't accept that. He loved Bansai, even if his heart hurt and he felt like throwing up every time he thought about him. He loved Bansai and he loved the fact that he didn't have to imagine anything—Bansai allowed his fantasies to become true _before_ they could become fantasies. He didn't need much—Bansai staying with him, fighting by his side and sometimes kissing and touching him was enough. He didn't think about a future with Bansai. He didn't think about a future _at all_ . He had accepted that he, and Bansai, too, wouldn't have a future because they would die soon. But he didn't expect it to be _so_ soon.

He loved Bansai enough to know that he would never love someone as much as he loved him. Not even Gintoki. Not anymore. And he loved him enough to know he couldn't grief for him or regret his— _their_ —decisions. He loved him enough to know he had to keep going. Even if he didn't want to.

He didn't love Tatsuma. He didn't get butterflies in his stomach when he thought about him, he didn't spend time thinking what they could possibly do— _but they did anyway_ . Not because he _needed_ to, but because he _wanted_ to.

Takasugi felt safe next to Tatsuma. His life wouldn't be over if Tatsuma was away (though, he admitted, Tatsuma helped him a lot with surviving, but so did Katsura and Gintoki) but it would be _better_ if he was close to him.

Maybe what he and Gintoki discussed once was true, after all. Katsura and Tatsuma were different from them. Tatsuma’s optimism was something Takasugi would never understand. And although sometimes his head looked like it was empty (no, his head _was_ empty), Takasugi knew he was reliable. Tatsuma was his opposite, so he couldn't help being attracted to him.

He didn't need to call his feelings ‘love’. They were something else, maybe deeper, but he wouldn't worry. He never had worries when he was with Tatsuma.

“I wanna take a shower,” Tatsuma said, while his fingertips stroked Takasugi’s hair. “But ya can shower first, if ya want.”

Takasugi shook his head. He knew what Tatsuma’s intentions were when he talked about showering. He wanted sex and that was fine. But he wanted to stay like that for a while more.

He was hugging Tatsuma. Sometimes, he hugged him and didn't say anything. The first times, Tatsuma would ask him what was wrong and say he was acting weird, always laughing after. But Takasugi didn't tell him what was wrong, so he gave up on asking. He knew some wounds took long to get better and that even a thousand years wouldn't be able to treat everything. There were wounds that simply became scars and would only hurt more and more every time you looked at it.

It was hard for Tatsuma, too. Maybe not as hard as for Takasugi, he thought, but it wasn't a competition. They could support each other.

Takasugi didn't want to, but when he finally let go of Tatsuma, he pretended not to care.

“Hey, Tatsuma,” Takasugi called when the other man got up and started heading to the bathroom.

“Yeah?”

Takasugi smirked.

“Don't take too long. It's so hot, I'm almost taking off my clothes.”

“Aren't ya always naked?” Tatsuma asked and then laughed. He wasn't always naked, his yukata was just too loose. “Ya lost yer chance to shower first, so it's yer problem that yer sweatin’.”

“I can still leave,” Takasugi muttered, looking angrier than he really was. “Of course, that means you won't get sex either.”

Tatsuma gasped and stood still. He then ran, coming back to where Takasugi was.

“I was jokin’, jokin’!” He said in a loud voice. “We can take a shower together if ya want, baby!”

Takasugi stared at him.

“Don't call me ‘baby’,” he complained.

What was that pet name for? It wasn't like they were lovers. Or maybe they were, but Takasugi still wouldn't accept cheesy things like that.

“Then, _honey_?” Tatsuma asked, trying to get a reaction out of him. He was probably just teasing Takasugi.

“Just ‘Takasugi’,” Takasugi said, cutting him off.

Tatsuma ignored him, decided to keep going.

“Dear?” He tried again.

“Just ‘Takasugi’,” Takasugi repeated, getting annoyed.

But Tatsuma wouldn't give up. He hugged Takasugi from behind and whispered in his ear:

“... Shinsuke?”

Takasugi felt his ear getting hot. He stayed quiet for a while, before saying again:

“... Just ‘Takasugi’.”

Tatsuma laughed. He knew Takasugi would kick his balls if he called him cute (he knew because it had happened before) so he kept the thought to himself. Actually, what was cute about Takasugi? Nothing. He was in his thirties, acting like a teen. He still wore his old uniform too, sometimes, from more than ten years ago. Wasn’t that embarrassing? Tatsuma couldn’t contain himself and laughed.

Takasugi sensed Tatsuma mocking him and punched his balls.

“What was that for?!” Tatsuma screamed, in pain, falling on the floor.

Takasugi, free from Tatsuma’s embrace, turned around and glared at him.

“You tell me, Tatsuma. What is so funny?”

Contrary to rumors, Tatsuma was no idiot. He had seen the war and fought a lot of times with a lot of different people. He knew that Takasugi’s glare was dangerous. He also knew when he had no chance of winning and needed to retract so that was what he did.

“S-shower!” He screamed, running away and disappearing into the bathroom.

Takasugi kept his serious semblance for a little more time, before laughing.

It was better like that. Even if he was laughing for being a sadistic little shit and he had to be his victim, Tatsuma thought it was worth it. He wanted to see his friend—boyfriend? _No_ , just friend was enough— happy. He deserved to be happy, more than anyone.

And when he was with Tatsuma, Takasugi truly was happy.

Tatsuma was not the man he loved and he would never be, but he was the only person that could put him at ease. For Takasugi, that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to make this note be 'aaaaaaa', too. But I can't, I have to say something. First, yes, again I'm naming a fic after a Gorillaz's song. Second, I love the concept of Sakataka being soulmates, platonic or note, and fuckbuddies. But when I finished this I realized I love them so much I gotta make them canon T_____T next time I will, ok. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... Feel free to tell me if you see any mistakes, english is not my first language. Criticism is welcome too.
> 
> P.S: I really wanted to write them fucking aa :(
> 
> EDIT: I forgot to tell this happens a couple of years after Silver Soul, that's why I say that Takasugi is in his thirties T_T


End file.
